Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology Read online

  that it wraps around and he is actually a good husband?

  Anyway, Hera finds out about this latest sexcapade

  and instead of divorcing her husband

  she decides to prank him.

  So she goes down to Earth and finds Semele

  and she’s like “Hey, I’m Zeus’s wife.”

  and Semele is like “AAAAH DON’T KILL ME”

  and Hera is like “Hahaha I’m not going to kill you.

  I am fine with my husband’s infidelity for some reason.

  In fact I just wanted to let you know

  that he and I have WAYYYY better sex than you and him.”

  And Semele says “I dunno, man we have had some pretty epic boner adventures.”

  And Hera says “Oh honey, you don’t even know.

  Next time you two are doing the horizontal monster mash

  ask him to stick it to you like he sticks it to ME.”

  So Semele says “Hmm, okay

  you can’t possibly have any ulterior motives for telling me this.

  I’ll do it.”

  So next time she and Zeus get busy

  she is like “Hold on there, bad boy

  make love to me like you make love to your WIFE.”

  and Zeus is like “Aww man, way to kill the mood.

  Look, if I did that, you would explode.”

  and Semele, thinking that he is speaking figuratively

  is like “Come on, handsome, I can take it.

  and anyway, I totally won’t believe you’re Zeus unless you do this.”

  and Zeus is like “WHAT? NO, I’M TOTALLY ZEUS WHO SAYS I’M NOT?”

  and he turns into lightning

  and sets her on fire

  and she explodes

  and Zeus is like “Aww dammit

  I knew this was gonna happen.

  Now I gotta save the baby I was keeping inside of her

  especially since I’m pretty sure my wife is gonna try and eat it or something.”

  so Zeus grabs the baby

  as it flies out of its mother’s exploding corpse

  and he thinks real fast and sews it up in his thigh

  and then after a few months of walking VERY awkwardly

  and avoiding his wife even more than he already does

  he goes and hides in a cave

  and gives birth to this baby out his thigh

  and this baby is none other

  than Dionysus

  the god of drinking so hard you wake up with TWO hangovers and then they FIGHT.

  And later

  when Dionysus grows up

  he goes and frees Semele from Hades

  and makes her a goddess

  with a different name for some reason

  (Thyone)

  maybe so Hera won’t go catfight her ass.

  So basically what this story teaches us

  is that when you are having sex

  you should never be lightning

  but that’s not the last tomfoolery Dionysus finds himself in the middle of.

  Oh no, my friends.

  Read on . . .

  KING MIDAS IS: GOLDFINGER

  So one day, Dionysus wakes up from a drunken stupor to find his foster father missing.

  This surprises no one

  because, see, Dionysus would not stand for having a foster father

  who was not some kind of alcoholic satyr

  and so naturally the two of them just get shitfaced like all the time

  and Dionysus doesn’t even need to worry about being hung over at school

  ’cause his alcoholic foster father IS ALSO HIS SCHOOLMASTER.

  His name is Silenus, by the way. He’s awesome.

  Anyway, Dionysus wakes up one day and Silenus is not there

  because he got real hammered and passed out in a rose garden

  which happened to belong to this king named Midas.

  Now, Midas is a pretty good king

  and I will tell you why:

  It is because when he finds some drunk satyr passed out in his rose garden

  he does not get all butthurt about it and call the guards.

  No, he invites the guy inside and makes him some sandwiches

  and lets him crash on his couch for TEN DAYS while he nurses his epic hangover

  at which point he gives him a ride home to Dionysus’s place

  and Dionysus is all “NICE YOU BROUGHT MY DAD BACK.

  Do you want a beer?”

  And Midas is all “No thanks, man, I gotta drive home.”

  And Dionysus is like “Well, I want to do something to thank you

  but all I’ve got are these beers and these wishes.”

  And Midas is like “I WISH FOR EVERYTHING I TOUCH TO TURN TO GOLD.”

  and Dionysus is like “DONE.”

  And then he and his dad go off to get trashed again

  and probably get lost and end up granting some more ridiculous wishes

  because that is how they do.

  Anyway, Midas gets home and is like “GENTLEMEN

  PREPARE ME A MARVELOUS FEAST.”

  And he sits down at his ludicrous feast table

  and he picks up this big ol’ leg of mutton

  but before he can put it in his mouth

  IT TURNS INTO GOLD

  and he is like “OH NO.

  Well, at least I can still get drunk.”

  And he picks up his wineglass

  which turns to gold, obviously

  and he downs his wine

  except that when it goes into his mouth it also turns into gold

  and probably chokes him.

  Maybe he even throws up in his mouth a little

  but if he does

  that shit TURNS TO GOLD.

  AWESOME.

  Actually I’m not sure what’s keeping all of Midas’s organs and bodily fluids

  from turning his body into a California Gold Rush of suffering

  but thank gods for the little things, right?

  Anyway, King Midas is pretty hungry and thirsty

  and he can’t think of anything to do about this shit

  so he goes into his house and just starts turning everything into gold

  because gods dammit

  if he’s gonna starve to death

  at least he is gonna starve to death in a weird gold house

  and he gets so caught up in doing this

  that he does not notice his daughter come into the room

  and his daughter loves him so much

  that she just wants to surprise him with a BIIIIG HUG

  only she is the one who gets surprised

  ’CAUSE HER ASS GETS TURNED TO GOLD

  not just her ass either

  her whole body, and also her clothes.

  Also, she is not the only one who is surprised

  Midas is pretty surprised too

  because he has just accidentally killed his daughter

  but also made her like a billion times more valuable.

  Seriously, who needs kids when you have solid gold statues of your kids?

  But Midas doesn’t see it that way

  because he has some kind of weird parent thing.

  So he starts crying

  and his tears probably turn into gold

  which is incredibly uncomfortable

  and just makes him cry more

  but finally he gets ahold of himself and he’s like “HEY DIONYSUS

  COME FIX THIS SHIT FOR ME.”

  and Dionysus is like “What? Oh shit.

  What have you done, man.

  What is it with you mortals always starving to death and petrifying your daughters?”

  Okay, well, I guess what you can do

  is go bathe in this river called Pactolus

  and that will solve your problems.”

  so Midas does that, and it takes away his superpower

  while simultaneously turning all the sand in the river gold

 
but does nothing to fix the fact

  that Midas’s daughter is made of gold

  which was kind of the most important thing but whatever.

  So you know how when you’re eating a food you really like

  and then you get the flu

  and you vomit nonstop for like nine whole days

  and then suddenly you do not like that food anymore?

  Okay.

  So imagine your favorite food is gold

  and instead of an upset stomach

  your daughter is dead.

  Now you understand how Midas feels.

  So he turns into a filthy gold-hating hippie

  and abandons his entire kingdom

  and becomes a follower of this god named Pan

  who is a satyr and is in charge of playing music on some pipes

  and Midas gets taught to play music by Orpheus

  who I will totally tell you about later

  because he is SO SWEET.

  So then one day Pan is talking shit about Apollo the god of guitar riffs and prophecy

  and saying how he can totally play better music than that guy

  so Apollo shows up and is like “Bring it.”

  and Pan definitely brings it

  and Midas is all clapping his hands and singing along

  but then Apollo just plays a SINGLE POWER CHORD

  and this power chord is so legit that the judge just immediately gives him the win

  But Midas is like “Dude, he didn’t even play a song.

  Try not to choke on that dick, guys.”

  and Apollo is all “I’LL TEACH YOU TO LISTEN TO MUSIC CRITICALLY.”

  and BAM

  Midas suddenly has donkey ears.

  He gets super-embarrassed and hides his ears under a massive turban all the time

  but of course his barber knows his secret

  because even as a filthy hippie Midas is too regal to cut his own hair

  and he swears the barber to secrecy

  but the secret is TOO GREAT AND IMPORTANT FOR ONE MAN TO BEAR

  so the barber does the only sensible thing

  which is to dig a hole in the ground and whisper the secret into it.

  But then a bunch of reeds grow out of the dirt and start whispering the secret everywhere

  like “KING MIDAS HAS DONKEY EARS”

  even though it is totally none of their business.

  All of which just further proves the old adage:

  Mo’ money

  mo’ problems.

  TIRESIAS IS TWICE THE MAN/WOMAN YOU’LL EVER BE

  Let me introduce you to the baddest prophet around.

  His name is TIRESIAS.

  So besides having an awesome name

  Tiresias is this guy who was out hiking one day

  and he sees these two snakes doing it

  and so he just goes “WHAT?

  I DON’T WANNA SEE NO SNAKES DOIN’ IT UP ON THIS MOUNTAIN.”

  and just runs up and beats them to death with his trusty walking stick

  LIKE A BADASS.

  Now that’s all well and good

  but apparently Hera was REALLY excited about seeing these snakes do it

  because then she gets REALLY pissed

  and says “SO YOU LIKE BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF SNAKES, HUH?

  WELL HOW ABOUT I MAKE YOU

  . . . into a woman for some reason.”

  So bam, Tiresias becomes a woman for seven years.

  He doesn’t treat it as a punishment basically at all

  and in fact he just shits right into Hera’s hands

  by becoming the best prostitute the world has ever seen.

  S/he invents so many new sex positions

  that they have to revise gravity to accommodate them.

  It is that kind of party.

  So after seven years of awesome loveless sex

  Tiresias is wandering through the mountains again

  and he/she sees two snakes doing it

  and just says “Fuck it” and runs up and beats them to death again

  at which point Hera kind of sighs

  and realizes that she is not going to teach this motherfucker anything about anything

  and turns him back into a man

  because if you are going around beating the shit out of reptiles

  what are you, if not the ultimate man?

  CUT TO A FEW WEEKS LATER.

  Zeus and Hera have kind of an argument

  which is not unusual for them.

  The argument is about who enjoys sex more:

  dudes or chicks.

  Hera says it’s gotta be dudes

  presumably because she has never enjoyed sex with her awful cheating husband

  and Zeus says it’s definitely gotta be chicks

  presumably because he has a hyperinflated sense of his own sexual prowess

  so the two of them yell at each other and throw lightning for a while

  until finally they’re like “Wait a second

  we totally know a dude who has also been a chick

  and has had SCADS of sex as both types.

  Maybe we should try asking him?”

  So they go hit up Tiresias like “Yo

  who has sexier sex, dudes or chicks?”

  And Tiresias is like “OH MAN

  I thought you would never ask.

  Now, I have had some sex in my day

  I’ve played naked Twister and Boner Bingo

  and all the different kinds of Yahtzee

  but I’ve gotta say

  when it comes to chicks and dudes

  I actually figured it out mathematically

  and it turns out chicks enjoy sex exactly NINE TIMES MORE THAN DUDES.”

  And Zeus is like “HAH!

  I TOLD YOU, HERA!

  JUST BECAUSE I PUT NO EFFORT INTO OUR SEX LIFE

  DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOUR EXPERIENCE IS THE NORM.”

  And Hera is like “GODS DAMMIT, TIRESIAS

  MY HUSBAND DID NOT NEED ANOTHER EXCUSE TO NOT TRY IN BED.

  LET’S SEE HOW MUCH YOU ENJOY SEX

  WITHOUT YOUR EYESSSS.”

  and Tiresias is like “Well, actually the eyes are not erogenous zones so . . .

  OH SHIT, I’M BLIND NOW.”

  And Zeus is like “Hera, why you gotta be like that?

  Is it because I blackmailed you into marrying me and now I only bang whores?

  Because if so then there’s no reason to take it out on Tiresias.

  Yo, T-dawg, I’m sorry about my wife, bro.

  Lemme go ahead and give you the gift of prophecy to make up for that.”

  And Tiresias is like “Okay that works out pretty well actually.”

  And then after that he shows up in a whole bunch of stories

  and he is always right about everything he says

  and no one ever fucks with him because he is psychic and also probably a sex god.

  So the moral of this story is for the fellas.

  Fellas

  before you complain that pleasing your lady is too difficult

  try walking a mile in her boobs.

  And as long as we’re talking about things Tiresias did . . .

  NARCISSUS PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE JUST LEARNED TO MASTURBATE

  So this story begins, like all good stories, with a hot nymph.

  She’s blue

  literally, her skin is blue.

  That’s not really important to the story I’m just giving you all the facts.

  Anyway, one day she’s out near some river

  and the local river god Cephisus

  who no one has ever heard of

  is like “Maybe if I rape this nymph the other gods will take me seriously.”

  So he half drowns poor Liriope by encircling her with his winding streams

  (wink wink)

  and then at that point she really has nothing to do but get seduced

  so they have a kid.

  This kid is named Narcissus.


  Narcissus is gorgeous.

  Like, imagine if someone could look exactly like bacon tastes

  and you have a pretty good picture of Narcissus

  (unless you’re a vegetarian).

  So his mom is like “Oh snap

  my skin is BLUE and I STILL got raped.

  What the hell is going to happen to my kid?

  He’s not even a year old and already looks like he could suck the red off a fire truck.”

  So she takes Narcissus to see the baddest motherfucker in the land

  who is of course Tiresias

  And Liriope is like “Is my son going to get raped?”

  and Tiresias looks up from his work

  which is beating snakes to death with a stick whenever they try to get their freak on

  And he’s like “Bitch, please.

  Kid’s gonna be fine

  just as long as he doesn’t COME TO KNOW HIMSELF.”

  And Liriope is like “What the hell does that even mean?”

  And Tiresias is like “QUIET, WOMAN.

  I THINK I HEAR SOME SNAKES HAVING SEX.”

  Then he runs off, brandishing his stick.

  So Liriope is just like whatever

  and Narcissus grows up to be a strapping young lad

  so strapping in fact

  that by the time he is sixteen

  every last person in his town wants to bang the bajeezus out of him.

  But Narcissus is like “Sorry ladies/dudes/centaurs

  I have unreasonably high standards.”

  So basically, no one is happy.

  Then one day

  Narcissus goes walking in the forest

  where bad shit just generally tends to happen

  and this nymph named Echo sees him

  and of course, being as this nymph has eyes

  she is instantly head over vagina in love with him.

  There is a problem though

  which is that “Echo” is not just some kind of playful nickname

  it refers to the fact

  that she cannot say anything except for things she has just heard other people say

  because Hera got pissed off about how she used to use her silver tongue

  to buy Zeus some precious escape time during his adultery runs

  and maybe also used her silver tongue on Zeus in other ways.

  Would that feel good, even?

  A silver tongue?

  ANYWAY.

  So Echo is stalking Narcissus through the woods

  not able to say anything

  but I guess she makes some kind of noise

  ’cause then Narcissus is all “WHO’S THERE?”

  and Echo is like “WHO’S THERE?”

  and Narcissus is like “NARCISSUS”

  and Echo is like “NARCISSUS”